The Spy Who Shagged Me Rocket Funny
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.
Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson.
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.
Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?
Scott: [both on the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott!
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience boos]
Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: You have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you two more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!
Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.
Mustafa: No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
[Driving on an English road]
Austin: You know what's remarkable? Is how much England looks in no way like Southern California.
Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
Cyclops: RARRR.
Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.
Austin: [referring to Felicity sleeping with Fat Bastard] Well, how could you do it?
Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my job.
Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
Felicity Shagwell: Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just 'cause you lost your mojo.
Austin: Ouch, baby. Very ouch.
Austin: You shut your mouth, you bastard,
[pause]
Austin: who is fat.
Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.
Felicity Shagwell: Austin!
Past Austin: Felicity!
Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love, baby!
Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?
Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.
Past Austin: We are sexy!
Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!
Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a big dope?
The President: Jiminy Jumpin' Jesus, I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman. I got nukes out the ying-yang. Just let me launch one, for God's sake.
Commander Gilmour: Sir. Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?
[looks around the table]
The President: Would you miss it?
Austin: I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh behave!
Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: Nothing.
Scott: [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.
Dr. Evil: Bless you.
Felicity Shagwell: I want to see what happens in the 70s and 80s.
Austin: The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.
Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
[on the verge of tears]
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself.
Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
[snaps fingers]
Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop 'cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I heard that somewhere.
Scott: You're an idiot.
Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably.
Austin: Who are you, baby?
Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Excuse me?
Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Well, I "vana" toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards now is it?
[first lines]
Narrator: [text is rendered in the manner of a "Star Wars" opening crawl] Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...
Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?
Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.
Ivana: When did you get "The Clapper"?
Austin: November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
[Dr. Evil raps to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just The Two of Us"]
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.
Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the "laser". Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?
Felicity Shagwell: So Austin, tell me about the future.
Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by damn dirty apes.
Felicity Shagwell: Oh my God!
Dr. Evil: Mini-Me, no, we don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mini- no! Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone. Just love him, stroke him.
Rebecca Romijn: Austin Powers, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Rebecca Romijn. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Austin: Well, of course you haven't had the pleasure, Rebecca. We just met, baby, yeah.
Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.
Scott: Oh, my God.
Dr. Evil: What now?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...
Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.
Austin: [Answering a call after the Vanessa fembot explodes] Hello Basil.
Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?
Austin: It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.
Basil: Yes. We knew all along, sadly.
[Then, without pausing for a moment]
Basil: Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.
[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]
Austin: Cor! This coffee smells like shit!
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me.
[Drinks]
Austin: [Smacks lips] It's a bit nutty.
Dr. Evil: Hang on, Mini-Me! If anything should happen to you, I don't know what I would do.
[pauses]
Dr. Evil: I'd probably move on, get another replica, but there would be a 10 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable.
Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to.
[goes cross-eyed]
Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
[to camera]
Basil: That goes for you all, too.
Austin: Yes.
Robin Swallows: Tell me, Mr. Powers. Do you swing?
Austin: Are you kidding, baby? I put the "grrrr" in swinger, baby! Yeah!
[Mini Me's chair is malfunctioning and he's thrown into the rafters]
Dr. Evil: Mini Me? Where are you? Could someone put a fricken bell on him or something?
Jerry Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really trying to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself, and each other.
Austin: [the guard has just fallen in molten lava] What a burn.
[laughs]
Austin: That sort of thing could get a man fired.
[laughs]
Austin: I think he was hot for you.
[laughs]
Felicity Shagwell: That's enough.
Austin: Yeah.
Dr. Evil: Number Two, you look so healthy, and youthful. Frau, you look so... right.
Austin: Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?
Ivana: [gets up from the table] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so
[pause]
Ivana: sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry!
[Austin rips his shirt open]
Ivana: Oh, you are hairy like animal!
Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!
Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!
Dr. Evil: [Stealing the globe on the Jerry Springer show] The world is mine! The world is mine ya
[bleeped]
Dr. Evil: motherfuckers!
Fat Bastard: First things first. Where's your shitter? I've got a turtle-head poking out.
Dr. Evil: Charming.
Fat Bastard: I'm not kidding. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aw, it's squidgy. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?
Fat Bastard: [about Mini-me] Jesus Christ, he's tiny! I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.
Austin: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
Dr. Evil: [singing while playing the piano] What if god was one of us / Just a slob like one of us / Blue blue blue blue blue blue blue / Bla bla bli bli bli.
[Everyone applauds]
Dr. Evil: Thank you, yes, thank you. I wrote that.
Austin: I've lost my mojo.
Felicity Shagwell: Oh, so that's why you.
Austin: Yes! Yes!
Felicity Shagwell: [smiles] I thought you didn't like me!
Austin: Oh no, baby. You're very shagadelic. I just didn't want to fall in love again, and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo. It's not you. You're fab, you're switched on, you're a bit of alright! YES!
Austin: [shooting photos] OK, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong. And look. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent.
[gives away a camera]
Dr. Evil: Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C. I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me
[emphasis]
Dr. Evil: one hundred billion dollars.
The President: [bursts with laughter] Dr. Evil, this is 1969! That amount of money doesn't even exist.
[laughing]
The President: That's like saying,
[with changed voice]
The President: "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars."
Dr. Evil: You know, Scott, I've been a frickin' evil doctor for 30 frickin' years, okay? Cut me some frickin' slack. You forget, Scott, we're in a volcano. We're surrounded by liquid hot magma.
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
Dr. Evil: Mojo: The libido. The life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the French call a certain... I don't know what.
Fat Bastard: [Eying Mini-me] Dr Evil. Let me make you a deal. You get the mojo, and you can keep your money. And I'll get your bay-bay.
[smacks lips]
Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.
Young Number Two: Excuse me.
Fat Bastard: *Chili's* baby back ribs.
Colonel: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert.
Fat Bastard: Yes sir.
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Fat Bastard: Yes sir.
[Under his breath]
Fat Bastard: Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says.
[louder]
Fat Bastard: Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, baby. The other, other white meat. Baby, it's what's for dinner.
[Dr. Evil's rotating chair is out of control]
Dr. Evil: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Austin: Hello, Mommy. Can I have some chocolates? I want some Mars Bars. Don't smack my bottom, Mommy.
Felicity Shagwell: Austin?
Austin: Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
[Checking to make sure his groin is intact after surviving an explosion]
Austin: Oh thank God.
Dr. Evil: [Before sex with Frau, takes a drink then pours some of the bottle on the ground] One for me, and one for my homies.
Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.
Scott: You know, you can't even...
Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.
Scott: Look, all I'm...
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?
Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
Scott: Ugh. I can't...
Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"] When a problem comes along, you must zip it!
Dr. Evil: [imitates whip] Zip it good!
Scott: Frau, would you please - ?
Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese] Subtitle: "Zip it".
Scott: I'm just trying to...
Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
Felicity Shagwell: How about one of your world-famous massages?
Austin: Y-Y-You mean a sensual massage? Right, then. Okay, uh, here we go. Yes.
Felicity Shagwell: [as he starts] Oh, wait a minute, something's itching me.
[undoing straps on her dress, revealing the small of her back]
Felicity Shagwell: That's better.
Austin: Crikey.
[he squeezes his bottle of massage oil, visually representing a premature ejaculation]
Dr. Evil: Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser!
The President: [taking cover as the White House is destroyed] AAAHHH! Damage report! Damage report!
Gen. Hawk: [realizing nothing happened] It's okay. It's all right. Come on.
Dr. Evil: Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie "Independence Day", but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah, scary.
Robin Swallows: Prepare to die, Powers! Use the machine gun!
[her accomplice fires a machine gun, and Austin uses her as a human shield until it clicks empty]
Robin Swallows: Say goodbye, Powers!
[he drops her to the floor]
Robin Swallows: Use the bazooka!
Austin: [her accomplice raises a bazooka] No! No!
[he uses Robin as a shield again, and the force knocks them out of a window]
Robin Swallows: [screaming on the way down] The fall will kill us both, Powers!
[as they continue screaming, he uses her to break his fall]
Robin Swallows: You can't win, Powers.
Austin: Why won't you die?
Austin: Oh, my God! Vanessa! You're a Fembot!
Vanessa Kensington: No shit, Sherlock!
Austin: [machine gun muzzles emerge from her breasts] Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?
Vanessa Kensington: Perhaps next time, you should try foreplay.
Fat Bastard: [to Mini Me] I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly.
Fat Bastard: [after Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the crotch] Oh. Right in the mommy daddy button.
Felicity Shagwell: That's for calling me crap, you fatty!
[last lines]
Mustafa: Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!
[the splint snaps; Mustafa screams and hits the ground]
Dr. Evil: Sick as a dog now. Okay. Okay. Gonna vomit.
[repeated line after photography sessions]
Austin: And I'm spent.
Dr. Evil: [Mini-Me is carried off into the rocket] Take special care of him.
[choking up with tears]
Dr. Evil: He's my special boy!
Austin: [about to have a threesome with Felicity and his past self] Paging Dr. Freud!
[while fighting, Austin's glasses get knocked off and Mini-Me brings them to him]
Austin: No more! I can't take it anymore. Oh. You brought me my glasses. Bless your little heart.
[Mini-Me suddenly gets pissed off and gives him the finger]
Austin: That's not right.
Young Number Two: Dr. Evil, what are going to do about Powers?
Dr. Evil: Austin Powers is no longer a threat to me. I have his mojo.
Young Number Two: I have to speak to you about this Mini-Me.
Dr. Evil: He's not fitting in? Is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?
Young Number Two: No, it's just that... he bites.
[Dr. Evil looks to Mini-Me, who shrugs and nods]
Young Number Two: [showing his bandaged hand] He's a biter.
Austin: [tracking a homing device to a Paddington Station bathroom] Oh, my God! Fat Bastard left a floater! In the name of all things sacred, that is the most foul-smelling thing ever! Somebody flush it down!
Austin: [visiting his frozen past self] Look at yourself. You used to be so virile. You were a swinger, man. And now you're nothing. But at least it can't get any worse.
Basil: Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin?
Felicity Shagwell: I must have said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden.
Basil: Listen, Felicity, I don't want you getting too close to Austin. It's not meant to be.
Felicity Shagwell: I don't get too close to anybody, Basil. My interest in this case is purely professional.
Basil: Good. Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight.
Felicity Shagwell: No problem.
Basil: We need you to plant this homing device on him by any means necessary.
Felicity Shagwell: No problem.
Basil: Keep up the good work. Remember, by any means necessary.
Austin: [identifying a drill hole in his cryotube] That's how my mojo was stolen. Fat Bastard.
[aware Felicity is in the next room]
Austin: Uh-oh. Oh, she's a professional agent. She's not interested in shagging! Please, God.
[crossing himself]
Austin: Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.
Young Number Two: Dr. Evil, what are our plans regarding Austin Powers?
Dr. Evil: Austin Powers? He's the snake to my mongoose. Or the mongoose to my snake. Either way, it's bad. I don't know animals. But I do know this: this time, it's personal. Kill him.
Dr. Evil: As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I will travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. He'll be helpless. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to travel through time. I bid you adieu.
[running up a ramp, he hits the time machine and rolls back down]
Dr. Evil: [getting to his feet] I'm okay. I'm okay. Okay. Not turned on, I suppose.
Scott: [holding a dead skunk] Dad, he put this in my bed.
Dr. Evil: Who?
Scott: Your stupid... . mini-you. He put roadkill in my sheets!
Dr. Evil: What... Mini-Me, don't you ever do that again. You hear me? Don't you ever do that again!
[Mini-Me hangs his head in shame]
Dr. Evil: I can't stay mad at you. Look at that punim.
Dr. Evil: Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell. Welcome to my hollowed-out volcano. This is my associate, Fat Bastard. Felicity, I think you two may have already
[air quotes]
Dr. Evil: "met".
Felicity Shagwell: Unfortunately.
Fat Bastard: Oh, is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex?
Austin: [Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the groin] Listen, baby, I don't care if he is a fat bastard, you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket.
Austin: According to this map, the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.
Felicity Shagwell: I want to make sure the explosives didn't get wet, but I can't find them.
Austin: Look in the bottom.
Felicity Shagwell: Okay, I'll dig a little deeper.
[from the view outside their tent, their silhouettes make it look like she's removing items from his rear end]
Felicity Shagwell: Wow, this bag is really full.
Austin: Just keep digging, darling.
Felicity Shagwell: I'll just feel around for them.
[taking a rope out of the bag]
Felicity Shagwell: Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here?
Austin: Oh, anything that catches my fancy, you know. Give it a good tug.
Felicity Shagwell: [taking out an umbrella] Oh, do we really need this?
Austin: I'll ask you not to open that inside, thank you very much. Okay.
Felicity Shagwell: Sorry.
Private Army Soldier: [in disgust] Oh, my God.
Felicity Shagwell: [something gaseous goes off] Oops, it went off.
Austin: Yes, it does that from time to time.
Felicity Shagwell: [coughing from the contents of a smoke bomb] Ugh.
Austin: Yes.
Felicity Shagwell: Yuck.
Austin: Yeah, that's nasty. Yeah, sorry about that.
Felicity Shagwell: [trying to waft away the odor] Smelly.
Private Army Soldier: Oh, these people make me sick.
Austin: Can you snap me a beer?
[Felicity opens one and takes a drink, then shrieks]
Austin: What is it?
Felicity Shagwell: It's a gerbil. How did that get in your bag?
Austin: I... I don't know.
Felicity Shagwell: [after sleeping with Fat Bastard] I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation. You're the reason I became a spy. I thought that I wanted to be you, but then I realized that... I want to be with you.
Austin: You do?
Felicity Shagwell: Yeah.
Dr. Evil: You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers. I have your mojo, and I'm taking it with me to the moon. Put them in a jail cell!
Austin: [he and Felicity are ushered away] My mojo! I'll get you, Dr. Evil! I'll get you!
Dr. Evil: [sarcastic] Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots.
Austin: I want my mojo! Give me back my mojo!
Scott: Great plan, Einstein.
Austin: I'll get you, Dr. Evil!
Scott: Well, you're gonna put him in a cell one with one inept guard, and they'll escape! God, you do this every time!
Felicity Shagwell: [Dr. Evil's moon base is set to self-destruct] We have to go. We have to go now.
Austin: My mojo! I'm useless without it.
Felicity Shagwell: But you don't need it. You've had it all along.
Austin: What do you mean?
Felicity Shagwell: You defeated Dr. Evil, you saved the world, and believe me, you're gonna get the girl.
Austin: Felicity would never sleep with you. Right?
Felicity Shagwell: I did what I had to do. I'm a secret agent.
Austin: What?
Fat Bastard: Ohh...
[pantomiming rubbing tears from his eyes]
Fat Bastard: Boo hoo.
Dr. Evil: All right, that's enough, Fat Bastard. As much as I like seeing Powers in agony - and I do - the thought of you naked is just gross.
Felicity Shagwell: Do you think I'll be happy here in the '90s?
Austin: Well, I know the '90s might sound boring, but as far as I'm concerned, I've brought the best part of the '60s back with me. You.
Scott: What are you drawing?
Dr. Evil: [Mini-Me passes the drawing to him] It's just a goodbye card, that's all.
[giving it a glance]
Dr. Evil: It's sweet.
[he passes it to Number Two, who gives it to Scott; it's revealed to be a Hangman stick figure hanging from a gallows and the words "Die Scott" underneath]
Young Number Two: [restraining Scott as he leaps forward] Whoa, whoa, hey.
Fat Bastard: Get him! Get the baby!
Dr. Evil: Back off. Back off!
Young Number Two: Simmer down. Simmer down.
Dr. Evil: He's my posse.
Felicity Shagwell: We need to get past that one inept guard.
Austin: Right, here's the plan. What if I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit, line it with makeshift Punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we escape. What do you think?
Felicity Shagwell: That might work, but what about this?
[unhooking the front of her top, she flashes the guard]
Felicity Shagwell: What do you think of these, my man?
Guard at Jail Cell: Mommy!
Austin: [groans in disgust after Fat Bastard farts] Oh God.
Fat Bastard: Listen Missy, would you fancy another go? 'Cause once you've had fat, you never go back! Ha ha ha!
Dr. Evil: Come on, Mr. President, show me the money.
The President: Show you what money?
Dr. Evil: [imitating Tom Cruise] Show me the money! Show me the money! You had me at hello. Tear. Nothing? No?
Scott: Psst! It's 1969. "Jerry Maguire" won't even come out for another 30 years. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Ass.
Dr. Evil: Scott, Daddy's working, okay? And when you're in the main chamber, try and use the big boy voice, okay?
[Scott rolls his eyes]
Dr. Evil: Thank you.
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0145660/quotes/qt1720525
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